Postpartum Depletion… A long journey to recovery.

A couple of weeks ago I experienced an overwhelming sense of grief and sadness which caught me completely off guard. It seemed to come from nowhere but actually I had been listening to a podcast about postnatal depletion lasting for years after birth and felt lots of resonance with this. I could feel myself in the shoes of the woman talking about feeling depleted even 7 years postpartum, only I was/am 8.5 years postpartum.

I’ve often wondered why I seem to struggle and resist so much the role of mother, sometimes choosing work over parenting in an effort to just get a break. I was thinking about the neurological changes that occur from pregnancy right through to postpartum and how depletion and inadequate postpartum care can have irreparable effects on the maternal brain, impacting a myriad of things including attachment and connection to the infant.

A regrettable truth is that I didn’t have adequate postpartum care after either of my births, due to a lack of understanding of the value of prioritising this and the implications of not doing so. My husband returned to work three weeks after each birth and although he did his best to support and nourish me, there’s only so much one person can do, especially while out of the house for five days a week.

We’ve never had family living nearby so haven’t been able to rely on family support to get a break, deliver or cook the odd meal or just for reassurance, and I didn’t seek support from my friends because I didn’t want to burden them while they were navigating their own parenting challenges, and frankly, asking for help when you’re feeling overwhelmed and insecure is really hard to do.

We didn’t live in a community where strangers delivered meals on the doorstep and I didn’t even know what a doula was at that time, much less a postpartum doula, so I spent full agonising days on my own where I tortured myself with the all too common obsession over the ever seductive sleep that my baby seemed to do for no more than 20 minutes at a time, day or night.

It would be many months after my first birth before I realised I even needed support after ‘soldiering on’ and enduring it and waiting for it to get easier. It never got easier. I also lost my dad in this period two months after a fast and aggressive cancer was found when Oliver was about 6 months old.

It was a heavy time, and on top of a very heavy birth it was a lot to process.

I don’t think I ever actually did……

A few weeks ago I had a 2.5 hour Ayurvedic ritual and after the treatment the therapist told me she had felt an immense grief throughout the duration of the ritual, that she had wept the whole time with dry tears. I hadn’t intuited this and had just felt very relaxed. We talked about where this grief may have come from and who it may have belonged to and I wasn’t aware of grief in my consciousness at the time so we talked about how it may have even belonged to my ancestors. No doubt some of it does.  

My own grief has only since emerged, feeling an aching sadness and regret that the new mother self wasn’t nurtured in the way I wish she had been. I sometimes wonder if she had, how it may have changed her relating to the children and her self-worth. This is a new place I’m navigating and after the initial 3 or 4 days of grief that came up, I have been thinking about it with much less attachment.  

There is so much here to unpack and I’m still in the midst of it, not really sure why it has come up now but sure there is a reason. Irrespective of what that may be, sadly I know my story isn’t unique. So many of us have experienced or experience postnatal depletion, often years after birthing our babies. I’m not sure if we ever get to the point of really feeling wholly repleted, but I assume it’s just an ongoing continuum of change as we both mother, and age.

I am much more attentive to my own physical, energetic and emotional warning signs these days and for the past couple of years I’ve been actively cultivating relationships that are supporting me to feel nourished, and to be able to recognise myself in the confidence that comes from experience. My hope is that by serving other mothers and being part of a movement of women redefining the way that the childbearing journey, and in particular the postpartum period, is understood and valued that fewer and fewer mothers will experience the long-term effects of postnatal depletion and the grief that may accompany it for years afterward.

I know that one family at a time I am making a difference, and sharing my story helps others to be seen in their struggle. These days I am also much more comfortable asking for support and cultivating the community I and so many others need. If you’ve also experienced long term postnatal depletion, I’d love to hear a little about your story, and also what you’re doing to support yourself now.

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